Joke of the day!
# 221 3/21/14 7:59 PM Subscribe
after five days without food,three survivors of a plane crash decide they have to eat the **** body of the forth person in there crew........how we gonna decide who eats wot...**** one of em.........i gotta idea **** one of em....
i support hartlypool so i'll eat the heart.........2nd gezzer ****......i suppor liverpool....so i'll ave the liver....3rd gezzer ****....i support ARSEnal....BUTTT i'm not hungry...
# 222 3/24/14 4:48 PM
I got stopped by one of those market researchers the other day.
She said, "Do you mind if I ask you ten short questions?"
I said, "Okay, go on then."
"Have you ever suffered from a blackout?" she asked.
"I don't think so," I replied.
She said, "And, finally, question ten."
# 223 3/25/14 9:43 PM
It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass with its jaws **** open ready to attack.
The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in a red **** jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.
As the **** dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from The Scotsman, who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said........
'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.'
'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain ****'.
The man replied, 'No, you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'
'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now -
'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.
The man replied, 'No, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London.'
The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now -
'English Bastard Strangles **** ****'.
# 224 3/30/14 3:16 AM
# 225 3/30/14 3:18 AM
# 226 4/10/14 12:58 PM
A smart young lawyer and an old pensioner are seated next to each other on a flight from Melbourne to London.
The smart young lawyer says to the old pensioner....."This is a very long flight, and I'd like to pass the time by having some fun. How about we play a game where I ask you a question, if you cannot answer correctly, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I am unable to answer correctly, I'll give you $500". The old pensioner thinks about this for a moment, and then agrees to play the game.
So the young lawyer asks "What is the distance of the moon from earth?" A few seconds pass and the pensioner reaches into his pocket, takes out his wallet and gives the young lawyer $5.
"Okay", says the smart young lawyer "now its your turn". The pensioner thinks for a moment and then asks....."What goes uphill on three legs, and comes down on four legs?"
The young lawyer thinks for a moment, takes out his mobile phone and laptop, messages and emails all his friends, searches the internet, but is unable to find an answer.
Sheepishly, he gives the old pensioner $500. The pensioner puts the money in his wallet, and goes back to sleep.
After two long hours agonizing over the pensioner's question, the young lawyer is really frustrated. He shakes the old pensioner to wake him and says "Okay,old man, tell me "What does go uphill on three legs, and comes down on four legs?".
The old pensioner takes out his wallet, gives the smart young lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
# 227 4/14/14 8:21 PM
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was not perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? “Yes, an acre and half and nice **** home.”
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? “It made of concrete.”
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
“No, we have carport, and not need one.”
I mean what are your relations like? “All my relations still in Poland .”
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good **** player.”
Does your wife beat you up? “No, I always up before her.”
Is your wife a nagger? “No, she white.”
Why do you want this divorce? “She going to kill me.”
What makes you think that? “I got proof.”
What kind of proof? “She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:”
That’s my work for the day. Think I’ll go take a morning nap.
# 228 4/20/14 6:00 AM
The final of the World Poetry competition was about to begin. After hundreds of contestants had been eliminated, the final two are: A sophisticated Lawyer from London and an old Aborigine from the Australian outback.
The rules of the competition are simple.........Compose a four line poem containing the word Timbuctoo.
The English Lawyer was up first.....
"Accross the blazing desert sand,
trekked the dusty caravan,
men on camels, two by two,
The audience stood in unison and applauded loudly.
How could the old Australian Aborigine ever top that effort? they wondered.
After a long silence, the old Aborigine stood up, took the microphone, and offered.....
"Me and Tim a hunt'n went,
met three **** in a pop up tent,
they was three, we was two,
so I buck one and Tim buck two"
# 229 4/20/14 11:03 AM
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your **** at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my **** tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
# 230 4/20/14 2:29 PM
Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!
# 231 4/20/14 8:06 PM
Let's all raise our glasses to Alcoholics Anonymous.
# 232 4/20/14 8:08 PM
Dear "Other Drivers"
Tailgating me on the motorway in the slow lane, when I'm already doing 35mph over the limit is a waste of time and dangerous.
Oh, and your flashing lights look ridiculous!
# 233 4/23/14 1:05 PM
# 234 5/15/14 2:35 AM
# 235 5/15/14 2:57 AM
# 236 5/19/14 1:51 AM
It was the final assessment for joining MI5, and the test was that the candidates would be given a revolver, which unknown to them is loaded with blanks, and ordered to shoot a loved one.
Candidate one was given the revolver and told to go into the room and shoot his wife. He immediately dropped the gun and said "No, I can't even think of doing that!". Of course, MI5 don't want cold-blooded killers but expect people to follow orders, so he doesn't get the job.
Candidate two is given the same instruction. He swallows hard, but goes into the room with his wife. There's five minutes silence, then he comes out and says he can't look his wife in the eye and shoot her. MI5 don't want cowards, so he doesn't get the job.
Candidate three is given instructions to go into the room and shoot her husband. She takes the gun and walks through the door. Six shots are heard, followed by an enormous banging, crashing and screaming. After a few minutes the candidate comes back through the door with a black eye and covered in blood. "Sorry about that", she says "the bullets didn't work, so I had to pistol-whip him to ****".
# 237 5/23/14 10:44 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, hides in the closet and watches.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the **** boy is in there.
The **** boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yeah it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s out there.”
Man: “okay, fine, how much?”
The next few weeks it happens again that the **** boy and the man are in the closet together.
The **** boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yeah it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
The man remembering last time asks the boy, “how much?”
A few days later the dad says to the boy,
“Go grab your gloves and lets go play a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and gloves.”
The dad then asks, “How much?”
The boy says, “$1,000″
The dad says, “That is terrible to overcharge your friend. That is way more than those two things cost. I am takin you to church, to confession.”
They go to the church and the dad makes the **** boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that **** again.”
# 238 5/28/14 10:00 AM
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and advise the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
Following a long life together, the husband was first to die. True to his word, he soon made the first contact,
"Is that you Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have ****. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have **** again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have **** a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud ....I have lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have **** the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more **** until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob, are you in heaven?"
"No.......I'm a rabbit in South Australia."
# 239 6/1/14 10:49 AM
As i stepped out of the shower, my girlfriend laughed and said that my **** closely resembled a Tic Tac.
"If that's the case" I joked "then why does your sister still have bad breath?"
That soon wiped the **** grin off her face....