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Would ya.....

# 21  2/2/12 10:22 AM

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Kadu12 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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TalentedAngel wrote:

Kadu12 wrote:

want to know if you'd been in a relationship for over a year and your partner had been being intimate with someone else for most of that time.

Is ignorance bliss?

You'd been suspicious and the affair, but it had been denied numerous times.

Would you really really want to know?

1) I wouldn't want to know, but I wear him out so I don't think he would have the energy
2) I have never felt the need to question him, but the last thing I would want him to do is lie, that would finish the relationship
3) No

Thanks TA, so far you're the stand alone No vote, could you share an insight into why you'd prefer not to know?

# 22  2/2/12 10:32 AM

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karsic_karl This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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I like your conundrums.

During the first year of a new relationship I would be giving my full attention to discovering them physically, emotionally and intellectualy. I would anticipate they would be doing the same.
If this is a new full relationship, and they were engaged with another partner that would indicate to me that they were not as involved with the relationship as I was.

Would I feel the need to know?
That is very difficult to answer.
It would come down to the depth of the relationship. If it was a relationship that I had thrown myself into body and soul then yes, I would feel the need to know.

And where to from there?

I don't know if you had any particular type of "affair" in mind, such as still occasionally seeing a previous partner because they found it hard to make that separation.
I would like to think that I could put the relationship on pause while they sort out where they want to be.

In reality? I'll let you know if and when it happens.

It would be a different matter for me if they had met someone else while the relationship was progressing.

Really no one answer can fit every situation.

# 23  2/2/12 10:35 AM

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justm4956 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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Ireland
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PUMPKINPOSITIVE wrote:

Kadu12 wrote:

PUMPKINPOSITIVE wrote:

If it had been denied but it was actually happening. I would want to know why the denial? As that denial is a lie .

Cake and **** it springs to mind...would the lie regards the denial be more important than the affair?

Yeah I think the denial would annoy me most . I have meet the parents robert de niro lie detector skills honed from a life of work  dealing with wankers . . . .  I hate being lied to .

To me it would be a double deception..... having affair.... then denying several times..... nothing worse than a head ****.... tbh... I wouldnt want to know why.... just tell them to **** off out off my life..... Would never to able to trust them again.....

# 24  2/2/12 10:39 AM

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aries51 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 56
United Kingdom
****
Right goer

Kadu12 wrote:

aries51 wrote:

Kadu12 wrote:

want to know if you'd been in a relationship for over a year and your partner had been being intimate with someone else for most of that time.

Is ignorance bliss?

You'd been suspicious and the affair, but it had been denied numerous times.

Would you really really want to know?

Ignorance  IS bliss   

but if your suspicious  ,then usually theres good reason   for that   ,no smoke without fire   etc   (  mebbies )    ,and yes  ,the lying is worse than the affair   ............  it must be hard to build a repair job after that  length of time   .......... a year is a long time    ,its not like a one night stand   or a moment of madness  /lust whatever you like to call it   .........

Yeah I understand that, but you've dodged the question 

Would you want to be told about the affair. Would you want to know or would you prefer to be blissfully ignorant.

Oh   .................. yes ,  I d want to be told   

# 25  2/2/12 10:42 AM

Posts: 59648
TalentedAngel This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 49
Australia
Adelaide
Casanova

Kadu12 wrote:

TalentedAngel wrote:

Kadu12 wrote:

want to know if you'd been in a relationship for over a year and your partner had been being intimate with someone else for most of that time.

Is ignorance bliss?

You'd been suspicious and the affair, but it had been denied numerous times.

Would you really really want to know?

1) I wouldn't want to know, but I wear him out so I don't think he would have the energy
2) I have never felt the need to question him, but the last thing I would want him to do is lie, that would finish the relationship
3) No

Thanks TA, so far you're the stand alone No vote, could you share an insight into why you'd prefer not to know?

If he was having an affair, I just wouldn't want to know, but I think we keep each other nicely worn out in that department

# 26  2/2/12 10:51 AM

Posts: 7362
Kadu12 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 48
United Kingdom
Scunthorpe
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karsic_karl wrote:

I like your conundrums.

During the first year of a new relationship I would be giving my full attention to discovering them physically, emotionally and intellectualy. I would anticipate they would be doing the same.
If this is a new full relationship, and they were engaged with another partner that would indicate to me that they were not as involved with the relationship as I was.

Would I feel the need to know?
That is very difficult to answer.
It would come down to the depth of the relationship. If it was a relationship that I had thrown myself into body and soul then yes, I would feel the need to know.

And where to from there?

I don't know if you had any particular type of "affair" in mind, such as still occasionally seeing a previous partner because they found it hard to make that separation.
I would like to think that I could put the relationship on pause while they sort out where they want to be.

In reality? I'll let you know if and when it happens.

It would be a different matter for me if they had met someone else while the relationship was progressing.

Really no one answer can fit every situation.

The relationship is long distance but supposed to be exclusive.

The affair was with a new partner although she was already a friend. Their friendship wasn't overly intense, contact maybe weekly, when his relationship began.

# 27  2/2/12 11:12 AM

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sugs67 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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United Kingdom
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THE CONNOISSEUR

I'd rather the truth than suspicion ...I can deal with truth.... eventually

# 28  2/2/12 11:20 AM

Posts: 2199
PUMPKINPOSITIVE This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 39
United Kingdom
Twickenham
Seduction guru

TalentedAngel wrote:

Kadu12 wrote:

TalentedAngel wrote:


1) I wouldn't want to know, but I wear him out so I don't think he would have dthe energy
2) I have never felt the need to question him, but the last thing I would want him to do is lie, that would finish the relationship
3) No

Thanks TA, so far you're the stand alone No vote, could you share an insight into why you'd prefer not to know?

If he was having an affair, I just wouldn't want to know, but I think we keep each other nicely worn out in that department

I would not want to be ignorant of where someone was mixing their fluids . Not he they were still also mixing it with me . I aint into into involantry micro bacterial  threesomes .

# 29  2/2/12 12:06 PM

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Kadu12 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 48
United Kingdom
Scunthorpe
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Kadu12 wrote:

karsic_karl wrote:

I like your conundrums.

During the first year of a new relationship I would be giving my full attention to discovering them physically, emotionally and intellectualy. I would anticipate they would be doing the same.
If this is a new full relationship, and they were engaged with another partner that would indicate to me that they were not as involved with the relationship as I was.

Would I feel the need to know?
That is very difficult to answer.
It would come down to the depth of the relationship. If it was a relationship that I had thrown myself into body and soul then yes, I would feel the need to know.

And where to from there?

I don't know if you had any particular type of "affair" in mind, such as still occasionally seeing a previous partner because they found it hard to make that separation.
I would like to think that I could put the relationship on pause while they sort out where they want to be.

In reality? I'll let you know if and when it happens.

It would be a different matter for me if they had met someone else while the relationship was progressing.

Really no one answer can fit every situation.

The relationship is long distance but supposed to be exclusive.

The affair was with a new partner although she was already a friend. Their friendship wasn't overly intense, contact maybe weekly, when his relationship began.

It's for both in a way.

I believe you should know the truth, then you can make your choices based on that. I've had many a heated discussion about that. I'm asking on here because I don't trust my own judgement.

# 30  2/2/12 12:21 PM

Posts: 7362
Kadu12 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 48
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Kadu12 wrote:

It's for both in a way.

I believe you should know the truth, then you can make your choices based on that. I've had many a heated discussion about that. I'm asking on here because I don't trust my own judgement.

It will only cause upset to all parties that are still involved. That's what I want to understand. Would you want someone to say to you, al the suspicions you had, they were true. All the denials they were lies. Or is it simply best left. With her suspicious but ignorant, with me thankfully strong enough to be out of it and with him able to continue behaving in the same way albeit with A.N.Other.

# 31  2/2/12 12:56 PM

Posts: 7362
Kadu12 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 48
United Kingdom
Scunthorpe
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Kadu12 wrote:

It will only cause upset to all parties that are still involved. That's what I want to understand. Would you want someone to say to you, al the suspicions you had, they were true. All the denials they were lies. Or is it simply best left. With her suspicious but ignorant, with me thankfully strong enough to be out of it and with him able to continue behaving in the same way albeit with A.N.Other.

Their relationship is still live. I'm no longer a part of it on a friendly or intimate level. He's currently looking for my replacement, which as you rightly say, I don't give a **** about, one in, one out and one in the wash, describes his thinking sadly. I'm just thankful I've finally been able to see the light. Should I just walk away and leave it, this would be by far the easier option, or should I confirm the suspicions she's always had?

# 32  2/2/12 1:08 PM

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karsic_karl This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 53
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Sandiacre
Been Naughtiest

Kadu12 wrote:

Kadu12 wrote:

It's for both in a way.

I believe you should know the truth, then you can make your choices based on that. I've had many a heated discussion about that. I'm asking on here because I don't trust my own judgement.

It will only cause upset to all parties that are still involved. That's what I want to understand. Would you want someone to say to you, al the suspicions you had, they were true. All the denials they were lies. Or is it simply best left. With her suspicious but ignorant, with me thankfully strong enough to be out of it and with him able to continue behaving in the same way albeit with A.N.Other.

Finding out for yourself is very different from being told.

To tell a friend that they are being cheated on is fraught with peril.
Possibly they already know/suspect and are operating on denial or delusion.
Once you tell them they are forced to face it, and may not thank you for it.

Possibly they are ignorant.
They may thank you for it, suspect you of being a spoiler, wonder how long you knew before you told them. There are any number of ways it can pan out. Only you can judge based on how well you know your friend.
However, should you decide to tell them, how good is your proof?
Certainly wouldn't want it to backfire on you if the other person on the relationship can plausibly deny it all.

There lies the prospect of ending up as being portrayed as the baddy.

As in all matters of whistleblowing, the person with the whistle can run a risk of of getting into trouble.
But can your conscience let you ignore what is happening to a friend?

Tricky. You are in a difficult situation.

# 33  2/2/12 1:20 PM

Posts: 201
punkrocker78 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 35
Australia
Shortland
Such a tease

Lived it 12 months back. I definitely want to know because I can then process it and stop wondering about what was true, what wasn't, the how's the why's the where's all of it. You just eat yourself up in the end. It's going to hurt either way, so why not know the truth of the matter and be able to relax after the healing is done?

# 34  2/2/12 2:54 PM

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Kadu12 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 48
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Scunthorpe
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I've given it some serious thought.....she's questioned him numerous times about our relationship, the times we've spent together and always eventually accepted everything he's said.

I've finally come to accept that he isn't simply 'misunderstood' but an accomplished liar as well as a cheat.

With that in mind, I think she'd rather be ignorant of it all. I think regardless of anything I said she would make the choice to believe him. I think that's backed up by the simple fact she's never asked me what was going on. So I'm gonna take the easy option

Thanks for all your input xx

# 35  2/2/12 3:42 PM

erestor100 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 34
United Kingdom
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Sweet talker

Kadu12 wrote:

want to know if you'd been in a relationship for over a year and your partner had been being intimate with someone else for most of that time.

Is ignorance bliss?

You'd been suspicious and the affair, but it had been denied numerous times.

Would you really really want to know?

I'm not sure if i'd get in this situation, if i had suspicions i'm not sure i'd stay with her. Even if my suspicions were unfounded, the distrust i was feeling is a sign that the relationship isn't right for one reason or another, and in the end someone is going to get hurt.

I do think ignorance is bliss, and finding out you're being cheated on is soul destroying - i know from experience! - but i'd rather be told the truth than be lied to.

If it's a drunken one night stand i'd probably forgive her. If it was something more, like your scenario, then it's clear she's not getting what she needs from the relationship and it's time to end it.

# 36  2/2/12 4:04 PM

Posts: 7362
Kadu12 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 48
United Kingdom
Scunthorpe
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Kadu12 wrote:

Their relationship is still live. I'm no longer a part of it on a friendly or intimate level. He's currently looking for my replacement, which as you rightly say, I don't give a **** about, one in, one out and one in the wash, describes his thinking sadly. I'm just thankful I've finally been able to see the light. Should I just walk away and leave it, this would be by far the easier option, or should I confirm the suspicions she's always had?

Who'd a thought we'd ever agree on anything 

Thanks xx

# 37  2/2/12 5:49 PM

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Quatermass1960 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 44
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I’d want to know just out of being nosy

# 38  2/2/12 9:37 PM

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Dee1970 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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I would NOT want to hear from the **** that cheated on me with him.  I think you've come to the right decision, but frankly I'm puzzled why it would prey on your conscience now but not when you had something to gain by keeping quiet.  If you really were thinking of it altruistically and from the injured party's point of view, and you suspect this man is or will be **** again, then tell him that if you find out it's true you'll tell her.

Dee

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