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Sexless marriages, care to share some thoughts or comments?

# 1  3/7/13 12:00 PM

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nininini19 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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Australia
Alkimos
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Not exactly a tangent but inspired by another thread here;
http://www.benaughty.com/forum/What-if- … /90772/p/1

Two posts shortly (page 2)after mine got me thinking that it might be more common than many of us realise.
Until someone who fits the bill comes along it's all academic for me,it's a long shot to find someone who's married,  looking for a bit on the side, finds me attractive, is attractive to me and lives close enough to be a possible lover.
If I don't look I certainly won't find.
It's obvious that there are many reasons for a marriage becoming a platonic relationship.
I'd be grateful for any comments and be happy to answer any questions you might want to ask. I f you ask me questions then please allow me to ask you questions too.

# 2  3/7/13 12:20 PM

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DD_67 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 47
Ireland
****
Love expert

nininini19 wrote:

Not exactly a tangent but inspired by another thread here;
http://www.benaughty.com/forum/What-if- … /90772/p/1

Two posts shortly (page 2)after mine got me thinking that it might be more common than many of us realise.
Until someone who fits the bill comes along it's all academic for me,it's a long shot to find someone who's married,  looking for a bit on the side, finds me attractive, is attractive to me and lives close enough to be a possible lover.
If I don't look I certainly won't find.
It's obvious that there are many reasons for a marriage becoming a platonic relationship.
I'd be grateful for any comments and be happy to answer any questions you might want to ask. I f you ask me questions then please allow me to ask you questions too.

I was married for nearly 20 years, half of it was sexless.  All of that was down to me.  I was too tired, too busy, too disinterested, call it whatever you like.  I thought there was something wrong with me, until i took the steps to end the marriage.  I thought it would be kinder on him to be free to go looking for someone who would give what i couldn't.  It turns out there was nothing wrong with me, i just didn't have the feelings necessary to have **** with him.  I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.

If i'm honest, i think there are far more marriages where **** is infrequent or non existent than there are ones where both partners are blissfully happy and well matched.

# 3  3/7/13 12:21 PM

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ruby126228 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 56
United Kingdom
St Albans
Casanova

nininini19 wrote:

Not exactly a tangent but inspired by another thread here;
http://www.benaughty.com/forum/What-if- … /90772/p/1

Two posts shortly (page 2)after mine got me thinking that it might be more common than many of us realise.
Until someone who fits the bill comes along it's all academic for me,it's a long shot to find someone who's married,  looking for a bit on the side, finds me attractive, is attractive to me and lives close enough to be a possible lover.
If I don't look I certainly won't find.
It's obvious that there are many reasons for a marriage becoming a platonic relationship.
I'd be grateful for any comments and be happy to answer any questions you might want to ask. I f you ask me questions then please allow me to ask you questions too.

i think **** outside of a relationship can keep a sexless marriage going

platonic relationships can work     good luck

# 4  3/7/13 8:10 PM

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adam7 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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Deal
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DD_67 wrote:

I was married for nearly 20 years, half of it was sexless.  All of that was down to me.  I was too tired, too busy, too disinterested, call it whatever you like.  I thought there was something wrong with me, until i took the steps to end the marriage.  I thought it would be kinder on him to be free to go looking for someone who would give what i couldn't.  It turns out there was nothing wrong with me, i just didn't have the feelings necessary to have **** with him.  I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.

If i'm honest, i think there are far more marriages where **** is infrequent or non existent than there are ones where both partners are blissfully happy and well matched.

I think you are right and it is one of the reasons why I don't think I would ever marry. I couldn't be with someone who had lost their attraction to me (assuming I ever found one who did in the first place) as it wouldn't be fair for either of us. Plus marriages are harder (and more costly) to end than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I think you did the right thing, I know it must have been difficult to do though.

# 5  3/7/13 8:21 PM

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DD_67 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 47
Ireland
****
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adam7 wrote:

DD_67 wrote:

I was married for nearly 20 years, half of it was sexless.  All of that was down to me.  I was too tired, too busy, too disinterested, call it whatever you like.  I thought there was something wrong with me, until i took the steps to end the marriage.  I thought it would be kinder on him to be free to go looking for someone who would give what i couldn't.  It turns out there was nothing wrong with me, i just didn't have the feelings necessary to have **** with him.  I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.

If i'm honest, i think there are far more marriages where **** is infrequent or non existent than there are ones where both partners are blissfully happy and well matched.

I think you are right and it is one of the reasons why I don't think I would ever marry. I couldn't be with someone who had lost their attraction to me (assuming I ever found one who did in the first place) as it wouldn't be fair for either of us. Plus marriages are harder (and more costly) to end than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I think you did the right thing, I know it must have been difficult to do though.

The actual ending was hard, very hard, because it hurt him and i didn't want to do that.  But i did the right thing, i know i did.  When i see him now, and there are so many things about him that i dislike more now than i did then, i know in my heart it was only a matter of time. 

I wouldn't ever marry again, but i wouldn't rule out a long term relationship without marriage.  I'm in one now, but one where i can still feel freer than i ever could with that bit of paper. 

I knew when i married him i wasn't madly in love with him.  I shouldn't have gone through with it, but i did and we both paid the price for that.  It will be different for you, because when or if you marry, you will know you're madly in love or you wouldn't have even considered it

# 6  3/11/13 2:54 PM

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V6Matty This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 31
United Kingdom
Newark
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This is a hard subject to put into words but i'm one of those people who are in a somewhat platonic relationship but still madly in love with my wife, the problems occurs where I just want **** sooo much more than her. i think it takes the two in a relationship to consider (in my case) a mistress, we have discussed it a lot and it wasn't an easy thing to bring up, but it's brought us a **** closer together which makes me want her so much more as well. many rules have been set and I will stick to them with no exceptions, I am speaking with a nice local girl at the moment and may meet soon and have that first encounter and if this is something that isn't right (not just the fact it is amazing ****) i will happily go back to platonic relationship with my wife.

hope this helps a few people

regards
Matt ****

# 7  3/14/13 8:37 AM

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nininini19 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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Australia
Alkimos
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Matty that's quite a situation you've got there, sounds like you really do love her. Maybe she is your soulmate or maybe you are mis-matched but at least you are both young enough to move on and start over. Good luck with that.
In my case 25 years of marriage & 2 **** **** change the score quite a bit...

# 8  3/24/13 11:24 AM

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bizibaz2 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 62
Australia
Campbelltown
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In regards to sexless marriage, after a 30 yrr marriage which ended, Ive been remarried  for ten years now , and this mariage has been sexless for the past 4yrs due to an hormone inbalance which cannot be corrected by the doctors ,we have discussed it many times and have no solutions , SO , i just try to live with it but its hard I still have a very high **** drive myself,but still love my wife and would never consider leaving her because of it
we sort of live two seperate lives mainly due to our work were like ships in the night , she asked me ounce what am I doing for **** seeing she is not putting out , and I just showed her my right hand ,and said heres my best friend , then she said if you are getting it out side , just dont tell me ,I dont want to know ,SO I didnt know wether that was good or bad still cant work it out
but life goes on normally otherwise ,
I just never get to touch ,smell, or taste her any more i really do miss it

# 9  3/25/13 7:48 AM

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nininini19 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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Australia
Alkimos
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****'day bizibaz it's of some comfort to know others are in a similar situation, & have similar reservations about "getting out there"
Now to digress here's something I found on a Kiwi site, yep I'm a Kiwi...

http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/love- … lderly-dad

I hired a **** for my late 93-year-old ****. He had dementia and lived in a nursing home when he said to me: "You'll need to find me a woman."

Perhaps a natural reaction from a **** in this situation would be uncomfortably laughing it off, voicing disgust or flat out refusing. Rather than saying: "You shouldn't be thinking about that any more Dad", I took his request seriously and started looking for "a woman".

My **** was a **** person. Much to my embarrassment growing up, he talked openly about **** and wouldn't hold back from over sharing with anyone - not even his ****.

In his later years he had dementia with Lewy bodies, a degenerative disease that causes nerve cells in the brain to die. He shared a bed with his partner who also had dementia. She eventually did not recognise my ****. This had a huge impact on him.

Changes to my ****'s cognitive function saw a role reversal in our relationship. I began caring for the man who cared for me my whole life. I'm a disability support worker and I've seen how an individual's **** needs to be considered. I always knew my **** may eventually need help with his personal intimate life. Clearly, this wasn't about me. It was about him, a person who could no longer do everything he used to.

I can only imagine how daunting it must be for an elderly person to ask **** members or nursing home staff to find them a **** partner. It's crucial to consider how much that person would be missing intimacy and touch to even voice such a request. They may have lost much of who they used to be: their partner, mobility, cognitive function or continence and the ability to do simple things like **** or dressing. Some people, like my **** did, have lost all of the above. It was important to me that his dignity be respected at all times.

Sometimes all an elderly person living alone is seeking is a companion and a bit of closeness and affection. This would be especially so at night because most of their **** life they've been fallen asleep holding their partner. My ****, who passed away only recently, needed both.

I had to establish if Dad was serious about giving me this task or if it was merely a comment resulting from the depressing realisation that anything he had with his partner was well and truly in the past. He was serious, so I needed to work out if he wanted me to find him a companion or someone to have **** with. He wanted both.

The answer to Dad's request fell in my lap before I even began my search for a **** online and through disability support groups. I was watching TV and a documentary called 'Scarlet Road' was on. It's about a **** who has disabled clients. I learned about Touching Base, an organisation that provides **** services to the elderly and disabled. I could see from the documentary they were acutely aware of people's intimate needs beyond ****. They saw how important other forms of contact were, like holding hands. I sent them an email.

Touching Base put me in contact with People with Disabilities who assessed how the service needed to be tailored to my ****. I was then introduced to the person they thought most suitable: 'Emma'.

They couldn't have found anyone to equal her and what she gave to my Dad. Now that he is gone, I will remain connected with Emma.

The cost of 'Emma's' services gob-smacked me at first. I found out it's on par with what other **** workers charge but 'Emma' gave much more. She spent an entire afternoon and evening with Dad for the same price. Her time with my **** included having drinks and a chat, a gentle ****, a cuddle and whatever else he wanted. If he fell asleep she would wait until he was ready to wake up.

After time with Emma, my ****'s well-being and consequently his behaviour improved. His nocturnal wanderings ceased where he often experienced falls resulting in horrid skin tears. He wasn't as agitated. He didn't obsess over things like he used to. He was serene, happy and relaxed.

I could easily be shocked by the fact my **** was enjoying the services of someone closer to my age than his, but hey, how many 90-year-old **** workers are there? They have a retirement plan too. And 'Emma' was perfect.

You have your life. Allow each elderly person in your life to gracefully have what's left of theirs.


But wait there's more...

http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/wellb … l-into-****

# 10  4/7/13 7:47 PM

ianj94542 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Milton Keynes
Naughty newbie

Sexless marriages can only work if both partners have no interest in ****, even when seeing the other (or any other man / woman ****) as **** is not a long term replacement for **** if one partner still wants it.
In my opinion **** outside a marriage can work if both partners are comfortable with it as long and are both open and honest about everything.

# 11  4/30/13 1:00 PM

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norman This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
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Ireland
Ennis
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hi,wow i enjoyed your post it was so honest and truthful ,i know that this is not much good to you considering iam in ireland! but hence why iam looking around online ,ya i'am in a sexless married position right now ,so as we are so far apart i may aswell just ask your opinion on ,what's your advice to get my wife to start **** me again ? we used to have great **** ,any suggestions welcome

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