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Joke of the day!

# 181  1/14/14 12:01 PM

Posts: 12087
RitchieRich44 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 50
United Kingdom
Cambridge
**** expert

At least the girls are doing well

# 182  1/15/14 6:42 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

ROADTRIP   [PRICELESS]
                     
         
                 
                     While on a
                    road trip, an elderly couple
                    stopped
                    at a
                    roadside restaurant for lunch.
                     
                    After
                    finishing their meal, they left
                    the
                    restaurant, and resumed their
                    trip.


                    When leaving, the elderly woman
                    unknowingly
                    left her glasses on the table,
                    and she didn't
                    miss them until they had been
                    driving for about forty minutes.

                    By
                    then, to add to the aggravation, they
                    had to
                    travel quite a distance before
                    they could
                    find a place to turn
                         around,
                    in order to
                    return to the restaurant
                    to retrieve her
                    glasses.

                    All the way back, the elderly
                    husband
                    became the classic grouchy old
                    man.
                    He fussed and complained,
                    and
                    scolded
                    his wife relentlessly during
                    the
                    entire return drive. The more
                    he
                    chided her,
                    the more agitated he
                    became. He
                    just wouldn't let up for a single
                    minute.

                    To her relief, they finally
                    arrived at the restaurant.
                    As the woman got
                    out of the
                    car, and hurried inside to
                    retrieve
                    her glasses, the old
                    geezer
                    yelled to her,


                    While you're in
                    there, you might as well
                    get my hat and the
                    credit card.

                    This
                    coming week is National Senior Mental
                    Health
                    Week. You can do YOUR
                    part
                    by
                    remembering to contact at least
                    one
                    unstable Senior to show you care..
                    I
                    have now done MY  PART     BY YOU ALL reading this          and u'r all welcome   

# 183  1/19/14 7:33 AM

Posts: 1
gummibear This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 38
United Kingdom
Huddersfield
Naughty newbie

Who's the friendliest person in the hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

# 184  1/22/14 10:25 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

davel2985 wrote:

An Englishman goes into his ****'s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to 'Mum and Dad' on the bed.

                             With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:

Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend.
I've found real love and he is so nice.  Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that, I'm ****, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the forest.

He wants to have many more **** with me and that's one of my dreams too.

I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends.
They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime we'll pray to Allah for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better.
He deserves it.

Don't worry about money.  Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal
make in their basement.  Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more
than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the donkey.

Don't worry Mum.  Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself.
Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving ****,

Sandra

P.S. Dad, it's not true.  I'm watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes.

# 185  1/24/14 7:49 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

Here's a **** fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.


The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a **** anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Control yourself !

This is what happens when you are retired and have too much time on your hands !

# 186  1/24/14 8:55 PM

Posts: 193
b_a_f This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 34
United Kingdom
Twickenham
Naughty newbie

How do you confuse a Scottish doctor?

Tell him you've got knee problems

# 187  1/27/14 10:42 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

English humour at its best

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.

An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West **** United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way, with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

# 188  1/28/14 8:43 AM

Posts: 13
frede This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 84
Australia
Devils Creek
Naughty newbie

Q.  What do the the English mens cricket team and the English ladys cricket teams have in common?
   
A.  Nothing, 'At least the girls are doing well'

   
Q.  Why did the English send convicts to Australia?
   
A.  They knew how to 'BE NAUGHTY'

   
Q.  Why did the English send convicts to Australia?
   
A.  To teach the naughty ones how to use soap and play cricket .

   
Q.  What do the English cricket team and Santa have in common?
   
A.  Nothing. At least Santa has a better chance of winning cricket this season even though he died from
        laughter. ( re. T.A's joke )

               

# 189  2/6/14 2:33 AM

Posts: 59683
TalentedAngel This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 49
Australia
Adelaide
Casanova

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing.

Later that evening,   Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home ..... and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!) 

# 190  2/10/14 10:20 PM

Posts: 2866
Welshman This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Port Talbot
Seduction guru

I've just invented a new word:

"Plagiarism"

# 191  2/14/14 9:44 AM

Posts: 59683
TalentedAngel This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 49
Australia
Adelaide
Casanova

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1/1800449_503520033090298_751293901_n.jpg 

# 192  2/22/14 3:05 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

How to Annoy Your Waiter:

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad ****, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for ****, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.
             -----------------------------
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?

He got stuck in Orbit!

# 193  2/23/14 8:57 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as ****. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been ****?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an **** and a briefcase.

# 194  2/26/14 12:04 AM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

HOW THEY HAVE ****         

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger ****.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their ****.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything ****.

COWGIRLS like to ride ****.

CRANE OPERATORS have **** ****.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS **** all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

**** OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES **** to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

**** call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather ****.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are **** specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy ****.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are **** lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with **** instinct.

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# 195  2/27/14 11:35 AM

Posts: 3640
SwissChris This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 61
United Kingdom
Bishops Stortford
THE CONNOISSEUR

With Romance the way it is, it is nice to see that those North of the border are still the greatest of romantics
http://i1074.photobucket.com/albums/w414/SwissChris1952/Romance.jpg

P.S. Do any of these catch your eyes Scottie?

# 196  3/6/14 2:40 AM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

>
>             EXERCISE  FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
>             
>             IF YOU'RE NOT OVER 60, PASS IT ON TO SOMEONE WHO IS!
>             
>             Begin  by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each  side.
>             
>             With  a  5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from  your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
>             Try to  reach a full minute, and then relax.
>             
>             Each  day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
>             
>             After  a couple of weeks, move up to  10-lb  potato  bags  .
>             Then  try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand
>             and  hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
>             (I'm  at this level).
>             
>             After  you feel confident at that level .............Put a potato in each bag.
>
>         
>
>     
>


# 197  3/9/14 12:13 PM

Posts: 70
hump3tym This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 56
United Kingdom
Great Malvern
Naughty newbie

THERE I WAS IN BED WITH A WOMAN HAVING JUST HAD A DAM GOOD ****, SHE TURNS TO ME AND SAYS DO YOU SMOKE AFTER ****, I DONT KNOW I SAYS AS I LIFT UP THE DUVET IV NEVER LOOKED

# 198  3/9/14 8:14 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

this is only a liverpool ladies joke

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for **** benefit
"How many ****?" asks the welfare officer
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl
"Ten?" says the welfare worker
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer ****'s ready!'
or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare
worker
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

# 199  3/10/14 1:39 AM

Posts: 12087
RitchieRich This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 50
United Kingdom
Cambridge
**** expert

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a skunk?

I don't know, but it always get a seat with plenty of elbowroom on the bus.

# 200  3/10/14 7:47 PM

Posts: 12087
RitchieRich This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 50
United Kingdom
Cambridge
**** expert

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BiX_5v8CUAA_aew.jpg:large

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