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Joke of the day!

# 1  7/26/13 2:35 PM

Posts: 5344
Moderator This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 43
Australia

Been Naughtiest

JOKE FOR TODAY:

Met 2 friends:
- Why did you leave your last job?
- Company relocated and didn't tell me where...

# 2  7/26/13 3:41 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

# 3  7/27/13 2:15 PM

Posts: 59664
TalentedAngel This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 49
Australia
Adelaide
Casanova

I  was testing **** in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
 
I  asked them, "If  I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale  and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!"  the ****  answered.
 
"If I cleaned the  church every day,  mowed the  garden and kept everything tidy, would That get me  into  heaven?"

Again, the answer was  'No!'   

By now I was  starting to smile. "Well, then,  if I was kind to animals and gave  sweeties to all the ****, and
Loved my husband,  would that get me Into  heaven?"

Again, they all  answered 'No!'   

I was just bursting with pride for  them. I continued,  "Then how can I get into  heaven?" 

A  six year old boy shouted,   "Yuv  got tae be fukin' ****"   

# 4  7/27/13 10:03 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The **** said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

# 5  7/28/13 12:26 PM

Posts: 70
hump3tym This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 56
United Kingdom
Great Malvern
Naughty newbie

An old man is sitting on the roadside crying ,the **** pull up and say are you ok pops, old man looks up still crying and says im 84 and last year i married a 22 yr old model who gives me a **** every morning and **** me every night she can cook, clean and loves me,policeman says well why you crying pops,, old man says i cant remember where i live

# 6  7/28/13 11:06 PM

Posts: 3425
lookin4you583 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 50
United Kingdom
London
THE CONNOISSEUR

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

# 7  7/29/13 7:46 AM

Posts: 59664
TalentedAngel This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 49
Australia
Adelaide
Casanova

The last photo is the guy who wants to be Prime Minister of Australia

http://sphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/944767_10201493855648805_27445045_n.jpg

# 8  7/30/13 8:39 AM

Posts: 59664
TalentedAngel This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 49
Australia
Adelaide
Casanova

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.


'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your ****.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

# 9  7/30/13 1:52 PM

Posts: 3425
lookin4you583 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 50
United Kingdom
London
THE CONNOISSEUR

90 yr old man goes to the chemist and asks for 6 viagra tablets. "Can you break them into quarters for me" he asks. The chemist tells him that he won't get an erection with a quarter tablet. The old man says, " I don't want an erection, I am just sick of **** on me slippers"!

# 10  7/30/13 5:40 PM

Posts: 3640
SwissChris This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 61
United Kingdom
Bishops Stortford
THE CONNOISSEUR

Some Days Aren't Worth  Getting Out Of Bed

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his willy.

According to the attending ****, the girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his willy while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willy.
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your Wedding Ring!

# 11  7/30/13 8:49 PM

Posts: 70
hump3tym This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 56
United Kingdom
Great Malvern
Naughty newbie

Two women are chatting over the garden fence, one says here genie how come you always seem to hang your washing out on a day when its sunny and breezy, genie says well in the morning i whip the duvet off ted and if his **** is laying to the left its gonna rain and if its laying to the right its gonna be a sunny breezy day and up i get and hang me washing out,oh says janet what if his **** is big hard upright,genie says well who the hell wants to get outta bed on a day like that

# 12  7/30/13 10:26 PM

Posts: 6177
davel2985 This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 48
United Kingdom
Basildon
Needs a spanking

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."

The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"

# 13  7/31/13 8:56 AM

Ask him for a photo
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Posts: 2055
rodsrule This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 54
Australia
Coopers Plains
Seduction guru

got a 5 min job for you

# 14  7/31/13 1:35 PM

Posts: 70
hump3tym This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 56
United Kingdom
Great Malvern
Naughty newbie

A YOUNG FIT LAD GOES INTO A CHEMIST AND ASK FOR A BOX OF 12 CONDOMS GETS THEM AND LEAVES NEXT DAY HES BACK FOR ANOTHER 12 AND SO ON FOR NEARLY TWO WEEKS ,THE CHEMIST PUZZLED BY THIS HIRES A PRIVATE DETECTIVE TO FOLLOW HIM NEXT DAY THE P,I COMES IN ,WELL WELL SAYS THE CHEMIST, WELL SAYS THE P,I, I FOLLOWED HIM ,AND  SAYS THE CHEMIST WHERE IS HE GOING, THE P,I SNIGGERS AND SAYS  YOUR HOUSE

# 15  7/31/13 4:35 PM

Posts: 4833
Wild Willy Spanker This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 60
United Kingdom
Peel
Been Naughtiest

What happens if suddenly a big green ball appears in each of your hands?

Answer>>>>>Squeeze them and you will have full control of The Incredible Hulk

# 16  7/31/13 7:23 PM

Posts: 70
hump3tym This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 56
United Kingdom
Great Malvern
Naughty newbie

A **** IN A CLASSROOM HAS SMUGGLED A BOX OF DARK CHOCOLATE MALTESERS IN HIS **** SACK AND SECRETLY EATS THEM DURING THE LESSON,THE TEACHER IS ASKING QUESTIONS TO THE CLASS ON GENERAL KNOWLEDGE LIKE WHOS THE PRIME MINISTER, WHERE DOES THE QUEEN LIVE ETC,JUST THEN THE **** WITH THE MALTESERS DROPS SOME AND THEY ROLL TO THE FRONT, TEACHER PIPES UP OK WHOS THE COMEDIAN WITH THE TWO BLACK ****,, **** AT THE FRONT HAND UP QUICK AS FLASH SAMMY DAVIS JUNIOR MISS

# 17  8/1/13 12:50 AM

Posts: 3640
SwissChris This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 61
United Kingdom
Bishops Stortford
THE CONNOISSEUR

Breathe Blonde
A blonde wearing headphones walks into a store and on the window it said 'No Headphones' so the clerk says, "I'm afraid I'll have to make you take off those headphones."

The blonde paid no attention to the clerk, so he said louder "If you don't take off those headphones I will!".
The blonde still paid no attention, so the clerk yanked the headphones off of her.Then she fainted all of a sudden.

The clerk put on the headphones to see what she was listening to.All he heard was "Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!"

# 18  8/1/13 8:04 AM

Posts: 3640
SwissChris This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 61
United Kingdom
Bishops Stortford
THE CONNOISSEUR

Welsh Sheep Farmer

  A man in  Cardiff  buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting ****, and phones a vet for help.
  The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are ****.
  The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are ****.
  The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has **** with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
  Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
  Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.
  The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in  the grass.
  No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

# 19  8/1/13 1:35 PM

Posts: 59664
TalentedAngel This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Woman, 49
Australia
Adelaide
Casanova

How rude is this one

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason why men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

# 20  8/1/13 1:53 PM

Ask him for a photo
This member doesn't have a photo, click to ask him to upload a photo
Posts: 2055
rodsrule This member uses the Web version of BeNaughty
Man, 54
Australia
Coopers Plains
Seduction guru

TalentedAngel wrote:

How rude is this one

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason why men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

1 def a winner

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