What the hell am I doing??

I just want to explain why I am here and what brought me here.  


I met a guy over 7 years ago on ****.  He was Brazilian.  We hit it off immediately and he introduced me to the "Lifestyle".  His lifestyle to be exact.  He loved **** and **** women.  He also loved to be submissive.  His deepest desire was to serve me in my home, worship me and do anything I wanted him to do.   If it involved pain, fine..chastity or **** denial, that was great too!  He really educated me about fetishes and what it really was to be ****.  He built me up and helped me grow as a person.  He worshiped the ground that I walked on and showed me that I DESERVE to be pampered, adored, and loved. He was amazing!

Through the years, we fell in love.  After talking for 2 years (webcam, phone, etc) I went to visit him in Sao Paulo for a glorious 21 days!  It was magic!!  It was the BEST **** I have EVER had!!  I had never felt so loved and been so in love.  

After I came home, he grew increasingly depressed and we would fight.  He was convinced that we would never be together..he gave up on the fiance visa we were trying to get...and his **** needs kept escalating.  The past year or so, we had been off and on...both of us wanting so much to be together, but so frustrated with not being able to, just yet..mainly money reasons. I just withdrew from him.  I was in a bad depression, myself and he was so overwhelming!  I was not answering his messages.  

April 13 of this year he died in a plane crash.  He has been taken from me forever!  Now I don't know what to do! I feel like I have been waiting and waiting for so long to be with him...and now it will never happen.  He was my soul mate and I treated him like **** over his needs, (which were escalating because I was neglecting him!)  I have so much sadness and guilt in me!!

At the same time, my libido has kicked into overdrive!!  I am DYING to have real **** after 5 years!!  I am hungering for love, comfort, affection and someone that makes me feel ALIVE! 

So far I have been contacted by two Nigerians posing as military and guys just wanting to do web ****.  Not interested in EITHER!  I had enough web **** to last a lifetime with my Brazilian...now I want the physical..skin on skin, kissing, soft touches..romance.

That's not to say that if the right man talks with me that I would not be open to a potential relationship that starts out online.  I experienced real love via the web, I know it can happen.  And to be honest, I really like foreign guys!  I have a thing for Brazilians now and have always had a Brit ****!!  LOL  There is NOTHING sexier than that British accent!!  But, I won't wait long...and if you are somewhere over seas, then it would be nice to have you here or me there.  I don't want to wait another 2,5, 7 years to finally be together.  It's too hard!

I want to be clear:  Just becasue I am fat, does not mean that I am a victim!  I am highly intelligent, and I am VERY aware of my sexiness and have good self esteem.  I won't tolerate anyone trying to take advantage of me for money or for ****.  I know that I am vulnerable right now, but I also have a brain in my head.  Treat me like **** and watch out!!!  Grrr


May 16, 12 12:12 AM


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